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maybe she should move to mexico I’ll live in the lab and rent out the rest of the house and take care of everything and send her what I can.

I hate the name “Latin America”. I came here because I had something to say… I guess I could say I have a “FRIEND’ when I was mainly in my teens who used to take me to Mexico. She would take me around and we would do whatever, like everyone I would be in Mexico with, but one time I fell asleep in her car after she gave me some “cinquo quartos” 54’s which I believe are a benzodiazepine but also I believe thy are related to rohypnol which I cant remember I felt like it was a Benzo. point being I was taking these pills with my mouth stained with blue (so they cant be used for date rape) and I passed out in her car. she woke me up, upset. “Don’t you know why I bring you to Mexico with me”? I’m sure I said “Cause we’re friends”? I dont recall registering any response but at this point I imagine a “seriously?” face. I was there to keep her company, because I should be lucky to go with her, because she wanted to look like she had someone on a leash from the US that she dosesn’t fuck but is there for her constantly and makes her look interesting. I was there because driving down by herself was boring. That was the girl I was obsessed with for years, I would leave school and go to my car, telling myself, crying, tell her how you fell, tel her you love her. I would be going to her house and would call her and she would play me like a fiddle. She would tell me ” call me wh en you wake up” call me when you get out call me this and that and it was the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life. for a girl to want me to call her it was like I was so in love. I obviously wasn’t in love, I mean infatuated or whatever but she just liked the security. we wouldn’t even talk much when we hung out that I remember. we would smoke weed and watch tv and it was so amazing to me, but I was drunk on some fantasy or whatever. she might have led me on a bit but it was mainly just my misunderstanding of how people work I think. we cuddled the first night we spent togther and id imagine she was willing to go farther… hell so was I but I have these ideas in my head. I assume I was thinking “cuddling with this amazing giril/??? this is awesome what a great possible start to something!” and she was just like “yo this guy must be gay he’s not doing anything BUT cuddling with me. ” and that was it for that. but for many years later I would come bak and the second I was back I would want to be at her house, and we would spend every second together essentially… but she never wanted to talk to me while I was gone. hell she didnt want to talk to me while I was there. I was just there for her. I think no one else was there for her like that ever they used her and she didnt value herself and I valued her so much well it never would have worked at that time I dont think. IF we had slept together I THIK MY heart would have been broken in ways I have never experienced and probably can not tolerate so , as Garth says, some of of gods greatest gifts are unansw2ered prayers

Me way before the trip: yeah lets go see your mom for 4-6 days or so but can we have one day to ourselves? Wife: oh yeah we will have the condo to ourselves (seeing as we already agreed to get an Airbnb and not stay WITH her mom ) and all the flight over while I am in excruciating pain it is “oh dont worry we will get there soon and have a place to ourselves … surprise! they rented out the condo and we are staying in a 6×8 with two beds a sink and a toilet with 3 people. I could sleep anywhere at that point until I was awoken by the loud sounds of ….. whatever her mom was doing. fine I didnt say anything but I thought I was petty clear that I was tolerating this with beer but they are completely unaware of my w=feelings…… not everyones just mine. or if they rant unaware they are over it, sick of it, past it, and that is th more likely I think. She said I ruined her trip and ruined her life . Or ruined her life and it was the worst trip ever. trust me it was worse for me.

anyways so yeah its ok If she sleeps on the couch of coarse right??? once we get to the condo. So either im the asshole kicking her mom out or I accept that what I was told before meant nothing. I told her I didnt need to go on this trip, that im in pain, that I will be a burden. I cant be a burden if they dont care, so they do care somewhat, but not so much that I have actually been a burden, if anything thy convince me to go places because it makes them feel better. of coarse I wanted to go to the xenotes but as my wife knows I dont like being woken up abruptly and surprisingly, like her mom bursting into our room while we are sleeping with the door closed and just talking and talking super loud. and when I get upset because as my wife knows that is how I react in that situation, them all my wife has to say is ” you have a loud voice” she is referring to the fact that the night before or before that I had been talking to my wife in th middle of the night for like 5 mins before her mom as complaining on th couch of our noise. I go in the room , asked to shut the door, shut th door, and im still asked to be quieter. but I get woken open by her bursting into our room and it upsets me and all my wife has to say is “you have already said that ” and ” you have a loud voice….” YOU SHOULD HEAR MY SUEGRAS VOICe!!!! IM LOUD BUT GOD DAMNIT IF SHE ISNT AT LEAST AS LOUD AND THATS JUST BEING GENEROUS!!!!!!!! we all have our own perception of “Loud” and what not. its nost just the decibels. its about the feeling behind it. I dont feel respected even though I feel like I try as hard as I can 5o make this as good of a trip with her mom as possible, and maybe get 5 mins with my wife. It may be the last good 5 minutes we get………..

Am I holding my breath for what I was promised? A day, an afternoon, hell a walk down the beach with my wife? I hinted that we could spend the rest oof the evening together, it was almost dark, and we were already at here moms house so we could leave her there and pick her up in the morning so we could spend some time together. she gave me a yeah yeah shhhh I already know kinda gesture but thats my interpretation. either way lines of communication were not open and I have been trying to get this message across long enough that if she didnt get it… she gets it.

dont forget. you have made mistakes, bad ones, but you don’t deserve this and she isn’t happy so why keep something like that going. if for some reason I think she is happy then I will o anything to make her happy but I won’t do anthing to pretend to make her happy. Thats stupid. If either one of us has a chance of happiness we both deserve it…. even if only one of us gets it… actually even if neither gets it but we still tried for happiness instead of settling for something seemingly easier and keep lying to ourselves and each other until some big event… and we area always ticking time bombs, my wife and I. Maybe we can go on a walk together tonight, that would be lovely…

Tick tok tick tock tick tock ………. tick tick tick tick tick

I want a split keyboard I can walk around and type on because I am constantly wanting to put things in blogs that come up all day but never remember them later, or even if I do I can always talk about so much more but I think the biggest revelations are lost, those little things that just occur and then are lost.

I dont want to give up, but I feel like I am out of control of my life. I am constantly fighting for something that I am not even certain my partner wants. she says she does but she doesn’t seem interested when I want to talk about it, or motivated to help make any of these things happen. she just nods her head and says yea that’s a great idea, at best. I shouldn’t go forward with something that I don’t have any reason to believe will actually make her happy because how should I know, and she told me I ruined her life. She said this is the worst trip of her life. If I cant make her happy then she deserves a chance to be happy and so do I. I want to be happy, but I am not completely blind.

She said it is the worst trip ever. she told me I ruined her life. she has never told me anything like that before and trust me we have had bad trips. I have tried my very best to make this trip good for my wife to see her mom, I have been looking up tickets again and again for months but she will tell me that I am trying to stop her from seeing her mom or “well CAN I GO THIS WEEKEND?” with implications that I have prevented her from going in the past which is the farthest from the truth. Every time she asks when we can go see her mom I say anytime she wants, because I have no schedule or anything right now so I really have no preference. I asked a few months ago about seeing my mom and my wife was like well what about my mom ? ive been telling her for months we can go anytime she wants and of coarse yes we can see her mom first.

Now I am sitting in the bathroom smoking weed with my wife while she gets ready. I love her, and I see the similarities in her and her mother so I know it is not all just Abril but like learned or genetic behavior, and also cultural. More later I guess my life is leaving me.

These women only have what they want on their minds. They think that buying me stomach medication and beer is the same as caring and m wife being there emotionally for me. I hv4 to remember

Just because we have a thought doesn’t mean we should share it. But then I did. Fuck it.

It is 6:00 AM on a Wednesday morning. No morning is like any morning for me, but it might as well be any other morning. I am listening to Tupac and Disturbed and drinking whiskey. I have been up all night… at least. It gets fuzzy at a certain point… chronologically fuzzy that is.

I haven’t been into Disturbed long, but it is the soundtrack of my life right now. Tupac has been the soundtrack for a much longer period and I listen to them about half and half. Sometimes I listen to other music but that is what I crave, what makes me feel what I want to feel from that which I am listening.

Yeah I typed “from what I am listening to” and then my catholic school brain ruler slapped itself and said “don’t end a sentence with a preposition.” I know anyone who would read a blog like this would be unlikely to care about such a thing but our brains brain what they want to brain.

I don’t need a reason to fight really. “Lost in your world of lies, I find it so hard to believe in you.” Can it be real this time? I have lost a lot of what I was taught from kindergarten to eighth grade, but there are some sticky bits in there.

Am I ready to begin? This seems to be my lifelong question. I feel like a very important part of a powerful machine, but not a part that can function independent of the others.

When I was a youngster I heard about the Zapatistas from watching RATM videos or somehow from Zach de la Rocha. Maybe I just saw his shirt and was like “EZLN, WTF?.” Somehow I looked into it and it was like some kind of revelation, that history is alive and people are doing things, those type of actions that put food on your table and only are obtained through the use of violence.

Didn’t we come from here? Violence still begets food, but now we don’t thanks the lives we take. I was not attracted to the violence, I was attracted to the passion and the strength. The simplicity and noncompliance nor conformity. Anyways, today I am going to Yucatan, Mexico. When I was a youngster (as I began earlier) I left the US to find my way to Chiapas. I didn’t speak Spanish, didn’t possess any particular skills nor did I have anything to offer in the form of MONEY. I just wanted to be there so badly. I made it all the way to Mexico City (then known as D.F.), Puebla, Teotihuacan, but I did not make it to Chiapas and now 20, 30, 25, whatever, years later, I still have not met a Zapatista nor have I made it to that southern part of Mexico. I still feel it in my veins and something connects me to them, and I will be closer than I have ever been before tomorrow morning, alas I will not be near Zapatista autonomous territory, the land I happily gave everything for, and never reached. I did make it back with my pennies and such, those didn’t really help me much in Mexico but I carried them to Mexico City and back.

Tomorrow I will be in Yucatan. This isn’t at all what I had in mind when I started writing/typing. Yay. 30 min blog. Got to get out of this house by 9 or so.