Author: Rabit Rals

lets see how fast I can post we’ll whats going on I was awoken abuptly because we had to get up and go to these zenote which no one could tell me how far or this or that and then I got up right away and was going to take a shower and then its like oh we can go tomorrow its getting late and its like what you guys just woke me up like 15 mins or less ago saying all this. and my wife knows I didnt sleep last night or the night before but yeah. I need to talk to a therapist before I decide anything and well I dunno I have a decision to make actually I can see a therapist soon so lets just get that done

345 oh yeah were just gunna see the last xenote they close at 4 so we will be home soon!8:00 no answer. and im supposed to trust that the times you tell me are accurate lol

well I think there are a lot of good reasons to do it and maybe she wouldn’t do it except she will be so mad t me so make a contract and ill rent the rooms and do the work and she can live in mexico for as long as she wants or whatever she wants but I dunno but then I can grow different things and rent two rooms and pay for more than just the cost of mortgage , probably some utlils

This trip was very difficult. It was obvious that it would be.

It was not much more than a month or two ago that I was bedridden for a couple weeks more or less, because my wife went out of town to see her brother and while she was gone I worked my ass off trying to get all this shit done, and in the process of coarse I made a huge mess. I was going to clean it all up at the end being efficient but 2 days or so before she got back I woke up and could barely move. This was wonderful. My wife just got back and screamed at me about the mess, which was very very messy, and she barely helped me at all I felt completely helpless. I called my sister at one point crying just asking her to call abril and ask her to bring me back beef jerky because for whatever reason I could not contact wifey but I guess I could call my sister. Well she instead tells my wife to get home asap, and she sends the ambulance , and she is a nurse practitioner telling me I need to get evaluated and yeah sure I’ll get evaluated but all they do is drive you to the hospital or check your vitals, none of which did me any good. I could have used a damn glass of water but I didnt ask, I was very happy to see them and nice until they said all they would do is take my vitals or drive me to the hospital and im like what good is any of this going to do me? We live like a block from the damn hospital, I could have gone to the hospital any time abril was home which I was going to and ended up doing and all they did is look at me like im asking for opiates and gave me some steroids which did nothing . I even said from the beginning that I did not want any narcotics but people say “well maybe that’s why they didn’t give them to you” I didnt even want any damn narcotics I wanted to e evalualuated like my sister was saying I needed, I need an MRI but he just says “we dont do that, go to your doctor” which I had an appointment for the first time in years like two days ago but im in mexico and missed the appointment.

I didnt set the dates we left, and I didn’t set my drs appt. yeah it is my responsibility but my wife says oh hey I did this for you and she’s so much better at appointments usually so I generally just let her handle it. I don’t blame her for me missing the appt although we could. have scheduled another weekend but when I was unable to barely move I didn’t even feel like she believed me or if she did she was just over it and sick of dealing with it. Explains why she just let me wander around Mexico city completely unaware of what I was doing, wandering into random places, loosing all my stuff. Maybe she tried but couldn’t keep up with me like she said she couldn’t keep up with her little brother. Bet she would have liked to have a leash right!

Maybe that would have been a good idea right I dunno

the point is I realize it is hard on other people and that is why I am so glad I am here but I don’t want to keep being a burden and fucking up their trip, I came up with an itinerary for the next day to do what my wife had been saying she wanted to do with me so bad and a restaurant I wanted to go to and ruins I had said I wanted to go to since the beginning. Then my wife got Xanax and ritalin RX

I forget so much as I would imagine we all do or I know we all do but I need a way to remember as well. I am on an international trip which I never take and I am a very bad traveler especially with airplanes and just long distances like sitting in the same spot and then especially stressed and my wife knows all this I mean and so this was always very questionable whether I could do it and you know I was saying I shouldn’t do it but she really wanted me to go and I want her to have a good time with her mom and so I’m trying my best to give her a good trip but um you know I had such a horrible trip getting up here I can’t even start explaining it that and you know it was probably you know I mean I know it was bad for her too because she had to put up with me you know or at least save me somehow like I don’t know everything that happened so I can’t say for sure but one way or the other she had probably probably been a worse a lot worse situation if it wasn’t for her so thank you April I love you but and I’m just saying that you know I know it was hard on her but it was also very hard on me you know I’m in pain and so she’s here with her mom she’s very happy to be with her mom we got to Mexico City and she wanted me to I mean she wanted me to get you on with her and you know I wanted to go too because I was you know there with her we were enjoying some time but you know we’re supposed to get to she told me we’ll get to next we’ll get to the other city and then we’ll have our own place and we’ll get to relax and you know always said we’d spend get to she always said we’d spend some time together I asked her and we would spend some time together but anyways point being is that like you know I’ve ended up like being in horrible pain like a couple of days ago I was like they didn’t tell me we were gonna walk to the bus and then it was like a long bus ride 40 30 20 40 minutes whatever was to the to the beach and then it was like you know I hadn’t eaten and it’s like super hot and I’m dehydrating and throwing up the whole time I’m doing horrible like I’m like barely making it and you know it’s like I’m they act like I’m a burden really I mean yeah they got me medication and yeah you know they got me beer but like they said they pointed out that you know they got it for me at least my wife did but um but but you know it’s like after I’m passing out in the Sun like I can’t cannot can’t I said over and over you know I can’t stand this and you go home yes any home now and it’s like oh well come home with us we’ll just go look at the beach really quick and it’s like it goes from looking to be so like taking all these pictures and then it’s oh why don’t you go walk over there where there’s some shade and it’s like way past you some fun and I get like it’s nothing and it’s like I just feel completely like you know ignore it and it’s like and then we ended up spending all staying up all night and it’s like and then um I said that I had to get you know good sleep and like earlier and I guess you know that could be my fault but you know I’m not gonna go out and do the hardest day here you know without having any sleep and just and I know I’m gonna put myself so much pain when nobody else is considering my pain so you know I stayed home and I’m working hard

dictated

to calmly nicely I message tell her how I feel the best I can somehow I end up having to defend myself and she gets mad at me somehow I dont get it

I put together an itenerary that allowed us to go to a xenote, beach and good restaurant all in one go pretty much. wife and mom were really excited for me to go and I did the planning and said we have to leave by 9. well its 9:30 and my wife and I stayed up all night. I said oh well we or I should get some sleep so we can get up early and do this long day. but I was in our bedroom for a long time and eventually checked on her and she’s just still on her tablet and her mom is asleep. couldn’t even come in the room with me. so if she is going to stay up all night why shouldn’t I. we have these stupid Mexican adhd meds which ruined this whole night and im not going to put myself through agony just to make them happy… I told abril what I needed to be able to do it and she was not supportive at all it is all on me and she didnt even talk to me all night. I asked if she wanted to go for a walk or what she’s doing or whatever and I would get non answers. so yeah I stayed up all night like her and then she just plays it off like nothing even though she just said she would walk with me now she’s saying oh lets get ready and go or whatever and its like yo I totally gave you a heads up and was very clear that I’m not going to risk that agony. They feel like they are so compassionate because wifes mom asks how I am and because they got me meds and beer but dont actually listen to what I am saying. I said “when I walk into the sun I feel nauseous and dizzy and I cant handle it” so they are like oh yeah go down to the beach where there are umbrellas. well that was a long ass walk in the sun, is it escaping everyone , are they just ignorant or just sick of dealing with me. im such a pain in the ass having feeling and stuff even though they have feelings and requirements and rush each other and whatever the fuck else but im just a dog except if I was a dog my wife would give me loving attention

I love sitting here in an exotic land by myself. I said that I could stay home so they could enjoy the trip. she knows how much pain I am in or at least has heard it a million times and probably doesn’t believe me. they just speak in spanish and expect I know what the hell is going on or what they have been talking about.

I ask if when we go see her mom for 8 days, can we please have one day to ourselves? yes of coarse (ok I already touched on this at least) but yes of coarse, we will have a place to ourselves. but I lower my requests over time as I am more and more sure that they are not even close to priority and so I lower what im asking to be not nagging but still remind that id like some time with my wife. yeah yeah well my mom is sleeping on the couch and you have to respect her sleeping even though we dont show you any respect when your sleeping (because I’m a lazy bastard in their eyes).

Way in the past…. baby what about a date night once a week? Or once a month? We could just go to a park, or whatever, even just sit on the roof and have a glass of wine. just want to get some time together where we are not just talking about problems or arguing or complaining or whatever else. some time to enjoy each other. 5 mins a month. did it ever happen? NOooooooooo….. nor was it acknowledged other than I would mention it and she would be like “yeah sure !” or whatever she would say but I would take it as far as I can before I knew I would piss her off. if she wanted to do it she would have.

my sister says “expectations”. expectations like its wrong to have expectations. I see where she is coming from I think that when we have an idea of someone in our head or how things should go, how people should act, then yea expectations are not helpful. what about when we go months without any Time with just me and my wife and all I’m asking for is to put aside some time for us? I dont care how much, where when whatever , I just feel so distant from her. She always agrees and then it just goes no where. I hint, remind, am straight up, whatever. If anything like that happens I have to like guilt or force her which is not on purpose but whatever like I get desperate for some attention, some time with m wife, I don’t get affection but at least some time together.

we just sat on the roof while the sun rose and she was on her tablet doing whatever and I sat there watching her and the sunset with headphones off of my ears, trying to be clear that I am not shutting her out. im just bored as fuck because she hasn’t talked to me in hours. whatever. if she wanted to make time for me she would. I dunno if she just thinks we spend enough time together so who cares .

I care

But I forgot it as I logged in. I love this new easy to access blogging though. well anyways im up on the roof in merida looking at the sunrise and my wife is here too, over on the like bar or whatever working on whatever. im sure she will tell me she is working on work but she always says she has to do work when I ask her to do something with me, even simple things, ok not always but a damn lot of time and then she often spends hours doing completely non work related things. She says she cant leave the house without showing her animals love because what if it is the last Time she sees them but I have to beg for a damn hug when im sad or whatever. I mean yeah im not a dog but she has so much affection for them and very little to zero for me. it’s not that she’s not affectionate. she says she didnt grow up that wat. me neither

before we left on this trip I felt like we were getting so far apart and I felt like I can’t make you happy. That’s not your fault, we all have different and changing desires. it has been a hard couple years, a hard 14 or so years, and we have been through a lot. we have stuck through a lot with each other through the crazy times but we are transitioning into something.

I think mexico is a good idea. I think you are happier here even if you told me the is the worst trip you have ever taken. I know you just said that because you couldn’t handle any more stress from me, what with being sick, panicky, deceived, left to whatever happens to me, you still took care of me overall and that was very hard I am sure. somehow I made it to a hotel alive and we seemed to be doing good. I dont remember a lot of the end but in know I didn’t mean for it but a lot of things happen that we dont mean for. In fact most tings that happen re things we dont mean to happen I would say especially when you do not plan your life at all.